We’re a month into the year and I have to be honest: I feel like I’m hitting my stride with this newsletter. I’ve got no shortage of material, the words are flowing easily and I enjoy reading the end product. I’m sure I’ll feel differently a month from now, but not since I started this project has writing felt so good.
More than anything else, the reason I feel this way is all of you readers and the feedback you share. Many of you are enjoying this newsletter as well – and if you’re not, you’re staying forgivingly quiet about it. One of you wrote, about Hit the Reset Button, that I had inspired you to “start 2022 with a different attitude.” A new subscriber texted me, after digging through my archives, that she’d “rather scroll through my writing pieces than Instagram.” Faith Before Progress resonated with many of you, with one reader replying that I was “handing out life jackets in a sea of despair.”
I share this because feedback is fuel. It has the power to motivate and to reassure. It shows me what I can’t see myself, and reminds me that my actions mean something. Feedback is tiny nuggets of gold, sparkling in a muddy riverbank. It’s a machete, ready to hack its way through the jungle. And we are far too unwilling to wield it.
I wrote last year about the great leadership I had at work, and how often I spoke with coworkers about it. It was clear, at my level, that the organization was far stronger as a result of the people at the helm. But, despite the conversations I was having to that effect, I wasn’t sure that the leaders themselves were hearing any of it. They were doing a great job, the troops were motivated, but who was motivating them to keep up the good work? I decided I might as well be that person. I drafted up a quick email, took a deep breath, counted to three, and hit send.
The results were instantaneous. My note had motivated my leadership in the same way that your feedback motivates me. It reminded them why they were doing what they were doing. It showed them something they weren’t seeing themselves. It reassured.
I began looking for other opportunities to share feedback. I wrote to Robert Glazer about the impact his Friday Forward emails had on me, and he wrote me back! I sent a good friend a card with some positive words I’d meant to say for a long time, and told another what our friendship meant to me. I found ways to weave positive reinforcement into some conversations at work. I blew the lid off the big box where I’d been stuffing away unspoken words of encouragement.
I felt like I had unlocked something, which begged the question: What had held me back from sharing feedback in the past? What was I worried about?
My hesitation came down to three things:
- Sharing feedback is vulnerable
- Sharing feedback is uncommon
- Sharing feedback is awkward
It really was that simple. It felt risky to email Robert Glazer that first time. “If he doesn’t respond it’s because I sound like a loser.” It’s not normal – at least among my circles – to spontaneous text someone positive encouragement. And sometimes, no matter how well received the message is, it can be awkward to see someone squirm in their shoes and struggle to respond. As one friend put it: “I’m so not used to people saying kind words with no ulterior motive that I genuinely don’t know how to respond with anything else other than thank you.”
Some of you are probably farther ahead on this curve than I am, and some of you may be dealing with different roadblocks than I do. But the end goal seems clear: To boost each other when possible. Does that mean disingenuous feedback? No. It means making an effort in the moment to share the real thoughts in your head. If a friend makes a brave move cross-country, you have a choice. You can say “congrats on the move,” or you can say “I’m so impressed by your willingness to take a risk on something you’ve always wanted to do.” If a family member keeps coming through in the clutch, you can say “thanks,” or you can say “your selflessness inspires me to do the same.” You get the picture.
The great news is that this is relatively easy. In our world of digital communication, very few of these vulnerable or awkward conversations need occur in person. The only effort a positive text takes is the bravery to hit send. An email just has to be addressed to the right person. The rest has been efficiently reduced to a few taps on a keyboard.
And like any muscle, it strengthens with use. It becomes instinctual to see something impressive and say so. Maybe early on the feedback comes at obvious milestones, like a birthday or holiday, but eventually it’s spontaneous.
Ultimately, our positive feedback becomes its namesake loop. We see others taking the risk to open up and we decide to do the same, which encourages yet another person to follow our lead. We create a little micro-culture, in our little slice of the world, of unvarnished encouragement.
I’ve seen the power of this firsthand. This newsletter runs on feedback. I would write without it, but I would be lost. Is what I’m doing resonating? Is what I’m doing any good? Most importantly: Should I continue?
We can help each other answer those questions.
– Emmett
What I’m Reading: Two good reads on Joe Rogan and Spotify
What’s the Purpose of Boycotting Joe Rogan? – Conor Friedersdorf
“The most incisive analysis I encountered on Twitter: ‘Rogan is an Everyman. It is therefore apparent that those who would censor him would censor every man. Hence the intensity of the backlash.'”
An Update on My Decision to Pause the Podcasts – Brené Brown
“No matter what I say or what I do, some of you will be frustrated, disappointed, or pissed off. That’s OK. I will never stop sharing my opinions and beliefs to make anyone feel better, or more comfortable, or to gain your approval. Not now. Not ever.”
What I’m Listening To:
Harvey Lewis: Finding Your Why, Nirvana Moments and Winning 300+ Mile Races – Rich Roll Podcast
The 4 Rules of Managing Your Money w/ Jesse Mecham from YNAB – Bigger Pockets Money Podcast