Recently, while comparing reading lists, a friend asked me why I read self-improvement books, and whether I had any specific goals in mind when reading them.
For some context, the last four books I’ve read are about happiness (The Happiness Project), anxiety (How to Stop Worrying and Start Living), moral living (The Second Mountain) and vulnerable leadership (Dare to Lead). Not exactly light and fun reading, even for someone who lives and breathes the stuff, but books I would recommend to anyone looking to “improve” in those areas. At face value, that is my goal: to get better at managing anxiety, to learn new ways to practice gratitude, to avoid costly leadership mistakes in the future, etc.
Between podcasts, blogs and books, I consume a lot of overlapping information. The importance of gratitude, for example, is everywhere. Same goes for fear setting, which I wrote about earlier this year, and the locus of control, a fundamental tenet of the genre that pops up throughout history:
- “You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” – Marcus Aurelius
- “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” – Serenity Prayer
Since 2016, when I first came to the genre, I’ve probably only come across 20 or so Big Ideas. The rest of the time is repetition – the same idea in a different medium, or from a different mouth. If my goal were to keep learning, I would have shifted my focus long ago.
But learning these concepts and practicing them are two wildly different things. There’s a reason why the Serenity Prayer is a prayer, intended to be repeated. Just because you saw it somewhere once doesn’t mean you’ll remember the lesson when you need it most.
My goal, then, in reading all these books, is that second piece: practice and repetition. A famous study found that 80% of people think they’re above average drivers – I’d imagine a similar percentage think they’re above average at living. I certainly do, particularly when I’m deep in one of these books and cherry-picking all the content that I think I do well. Discipline is important? I’ll show you discipline – just look at my running habits!
Only by revisiting the ideas, in different formats, do I start to see the truth: I’m disciplined in some areas and not others. I have no problem waking up in the morning and heading out for a run, but offer me half of your sandwich and I cannot say no.
The more I look at it, the more I find these pockets I’ve been willfully ignoring. I stay patient and calm with strangers, but not with the people I love most. I can put others before myself, but am selfish about specific things I don’t want to do.
In short, there’s always somewhere I could do better.
My friend’s question reminded me of one Khe Hy recently asked the readers of his blog: If you only had a year to live, would you read any business books?
Most people said no, which makes sense. The assumption is that a business book should help you achieve a goal, and if your time horizon shrinks, those achievements are no longer important. Who would spend their last year learning to be more efficient or productive? It would be a waste of time. As Hy says, “At some point striving becomes pointless. It’s time to cash in these hard earned chips.”
Which brings us to his second question: If you had a year to live, would you still strive?
Whether we realize it or not, we all ask ourselves variations of this every day. Each time we decide how much work is too much work, or justify paying others to do tasks we don’t want to do, or feel guilty about how much TV we’re watching, we’re really just asking “is life too short for this?” Is life too short to be treated like sh*t by my boss? Is life too short to keep binge watching reality TV? We’re constantly making judgement calls about what can and can’t wait.
The flaw in Hy’s question is that not all striving is the same. If business books are a means to getting promoted, then it’s easy to understand how that time would feel wasted if the promotion never comes. But if business books are a means to mastering your craft, then the time is not wasted. The journey to mastery of something you love involves… doing the thing that you love. If life were to end tomorrow, I wouldn’t regret a minute I’ve spent running – despite the fact that I’m constantly striving to run farther and faster than I have before.
The question is not whether we should strive, but what we’re striving for – and when we lean too far into the life is short narrative, we assume that all striving steals time from what we’d rather be doing. But that’s not the case. Some efforts are a means to an end, and the journey from A to B sucks. Other efforts have no end, and the journey is the goal. Studying for the CPA is a means to becoming an accountant, plain and simple. But learning to play the guitar is a lifelong pursuit, with an infinite growth curve. Become CEO is a much different north star than become an excellent leader.
If we’re going to strive – and I think we all should – we should choose journeys, rather than goals. There is no certificate that says Self = Improved. Instead, I’ll continue to find new applications for old ideas: when raising children, when managing teams, when dealing with unforeseen problems.
And if that distinction isn’t always clear, I can ask myself: Am I striving towards a résumé virtue or a eulogy virtue? Resume virtues – marketable skills, promotions and accolades – are the things that lose meaning when life gets cut short. Eulogy virtues – honesty, kindness, leadership – are the journeys that matter regardless of where you get on or off the train.
And as David Brooks says: “We all know that the eulogy virtues are more important than the résumé ones.”
– Emmett
What I’m Reading:
“More” Is Not the Answer to Too Much – Chris Guillebeau
“Just notice that the people and companies who promise you a simpler life are the same ones that contribute to your life being complicated in the first place.”
12 Reader Views On Where America Is Going Wrong – Conor Friedersdorf, The Atlantic
“Social media as it exists today degrades human experience. I am fairly young but I don’t use it. I believe the epidemics of anxiety, loneliness, and depression that are wrecking my generation are due in large part to the commercialization of social interaction.”
What I’m Listening To:
Oz Pearlman: Mind Reading Secrets and the Ultramarathon Mindset – Rich Roll Podcast