I was raised Catholic, and grew up really disliking church. I fought more with my parents over that one hour on Sunday mornings than I did about practically anything else. The itchy dress shirt, the smelly incense and the kneeling were torture, and I tried everything I could to escape the boredom of it all.
By high school, I had gotten my way and was only going to church on Christmas and Easter. I knew the Lord’s Prayer (“Our father…”) by heart, had an okay grasp of the Profession of Faith, and mumbled my way through the rest. I never got the hang of genuflecting or signing those little crosses on my forehead, and I avoided offering the sign of peace because my hands were always sweaty.
I’m sure true Catholics have names for people like us.
Since I disliked my religious experience as a kid, I dismissed any possibility that things might be different as an adult. I continued to treat my periodic holiday masses as chores to be endured, and assumed that the boredom I felt in church meant that the whole thing – religious faith – was not for me. I simply wrote it off.
Then something strange happened this past January.
While clearing out some old boxes, I found a shiny new copy of the King James Bible, and decided to flip through it. As an avid reader, it felt like my duty to give the bestselling book of all time a chance – particularly since one of my core values is to learn from the best.
After weeks of slow progress through the Old Testament, I began listening to a Bible companion podcast to help me understand what I was reading. Why all the references to burnt offerings and cleanliness? Why couldn’t Moses cross the Jordan with the people of Israel? Many of the stories were surprisingly relevant to my own life once I had the proper context.
In the middle of this journey, I ordered a copy of The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren, not realizing that it was God’s purpose for us that Warren was referring to. I should have read the Amazon description more closely. But I gave it a shot and – after some initial discomfort at the book’s many biblical references – found the message refreshing. Rather than look inward for purpose, Warren tells us to look outward at what God wants us to do for others.
That’s when I decided to join the Church of Latter Day Saints.
Just kidding!
But something did change throughout my chance reacquaintance with Christianity since January:
My belief that this whole thing wasn’t for me wavered.
I didn’t become a devout Christian overnight – far from it – but began to realize that my experience as a kid in church had almost no bearing on what my experience with faith could be as an adult. My old assumptions were outdated, and I needed to reassess. As Derek Sivers said in a recent podcast interview, “whatever you are is now.”
How many angsty middle schoolers actually like church? How many angsty middle schoolers actually like anything? Yet I had allowed my belief system to be influenced by an earlier version of myself that had long since grown up.
So, this past Sunday, I decided to give Catholic mass another shot.
Not surprisingly, a different outlook on church resulted in a much different experience. I opened the book of prayers and hymns for the first time, and found mass much more enjoyable when I was following along with everyone else. I truly listened to the priest’s homily, instead of writing it off as outdated or not relevant to my life. Most importantly, I spent time reflecting on what I heard, and even came away with a quote to ponder: “Be a guide, not a signpost.”
Even if I never go back to church again, I’ll have disproven a belief about myself that I’ve held for decades.
I wrote earlier this year about challenging deeply held beliefs, but doing so can be hard! In this case, two very strong convictions had been keeping me on the sidelines all these years:
- I do not believe in God
- I am not religious
The former made me feel silly and self-conscious anytime I started to explore my faith, and the latter made me feel like an unwelcome imposter anytime I went to church. The longer I believed those two things to be true, the harder it became to challenge them.
It took a chance encounter with a bible to eventually do so.
Looking back, I wish I could tell my ten year-old self that beliefs can be fluid, and that there is value in periodically reassessing old positions. As Derek Sivers went on to say in his interview:
“When my kid says ‘I hate tomatoes,’ I say ‘today.’ And he goes, ‘Oh, right, I hate tomatoes today!'”
– Emmett
What I’m Reading:
Some Things I Think – Morgan Housel
“A lot of people seem to have a necessary level of stress, and when their life is going well they make up imaginary problems to fill the void.”
Life After “Golden Handcuffs” – Khe Hy
“Landing on enough has opened up a beautiful life. One rich with possibility.”