In the ten years that Anne and I have been together, the majority of our arguments have been caused by one thing:
Misinterpretation of what the other person really means.
Anne suggests that we should vacuum more, and what I hear is that I should vacuum more.
Anne points out a toothpaste stain on my sweatshirt, and what I hear is “I’m embarrassed by you.”
An otherwise innocent conversation turns sour, and both of us are left wondering what the hell happened.
I’m confident we aren’t the only ones who find ourselves in this situation. And these misunderstandings aren’t limited to romantic relationships – they occur across all of our interactions. The work email that comes across as rude or passive aggressive. The lost invitation that feels like an intentional slight.
Of course, on reflection, we often find our hurt feelings stem as much from our reaction as from the events themselves. With a more charitable read of the situation, things would have turned out much better.
We tend to default to what Dr. Becky Kennedy calls the least generous interpretation of each other’s actions.
Dr. Kennedy is the creator of Good Inside, a parenting philosophy and associated coaching business that advocates for – you guessed it – finding the good inside your children. As she writes in her book:
“Understanding that we’re all good inside is what allows you to distinguish a person (your child) from a behavior (rudeness, hitting, saying, ‘I hate you’). Differentiating who someone is from what they do is key to creating interventions that preserve your relationship while also leading to impactful change.”
While tailored specifically to parents and their children, Dr. Kennedy’s approach rings true across all sorts of interpersonal relationships. When we do something wrong, we excuse our actions as a one-time mistake, but when someone else does something wrong, we don’t give them the same benefit of the doubt.
Finding the good inside anyone requires us to shift from the least to the most generous interpretation of other people’s actions.
Anne isn’t embarrassed by me – she just wants me to look my best.
My colleague doesn’t mean to be rude – she is just under a lot of pressure right now.
My friend didn’t intentionally not invite me – they must have just forgotten.
Of course, breaking this habit is not easy.
Shaping our interpretation of events is an ancient idea, and one the Stoic philosophers considered more than 2,000 years ago. Epictetus, a former slave, wrote that “it’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” Marcus Aurelius, a Roman emperor, wrote that “our life is what our thoughts make it.” They understood that seeing the worst in other people often comes automatically to us.
So how do we free ourselves from this unhelpful thought pattern?
One idea comes from James Clear, the author of Atomic Habits and someone who has made their career helping people change the default behaviors that are no longer serving them. He suggests asking one simple question to help us make the hard choice in the moment: What would “X” person do?
In this case:
What would someone who sees the best in others do?
Challenging ourselves to behave like the person we aspire to be gives us the freedom to act against our better nature. Even if I’m stewing over Anne’s suggestion that we vacuum more, I can separate myself from that person and role-play as someone with a better handle on their emotions.
Another technique has its origins with the Stoics, and is a core component of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy today:
Separate our interpretation of events from the facts, and focus on what we know to be true.
In the case of a forgotten invite, this strategy helps us recognize that we don’t know why we weren’t invited, and our assumption that it was intentional (and all the implications for our friendship that come with it) is just that – an assumption. It’s more likely, given our healthy friendship, that the invite was lost.
If there is a real problem, we can address it. But choosing generosity first assumes the best until we discover otherwise.
Finally, we should expect to fail at this more often than not.
Even with deliberate practice over the last ten years, my gut reaction has not improved much. I still get stuck assuming the worst.
What can change, however, is our response. Now, if I can’t frame the situation in a positive light, the least I can do is stay silent to give myself a chance to reevaluate.
When in doubt, we can always give ourselves a bit more time to be the generous person we want to be.
– Emmett
What I’m Reading:
The Case For Doing Hard Sh*t – Michael Easter
“But a growing body of evidence shows that people are at their best—physically harder, mentally tougher, and spiritually sounder—after doing hard sh*t. I’m talking about pushing back against our world of ease and comfort and actively seeking occasional hardship.”
But We Had Music – Maria Popova
“How, knowing that even the universe is dying, do we bear our lives? Most readily, through friendship, through connection, through co-creating the world we want to live in for the brief time we have together on this lonely, perfect planet.”