I think technically last week’s edition marked the one year anniversary of this pandemic, but I missed it. So this one will have to do. I spent one of my early newsletters reflecting on the seventh week of quarantine, and here we are at the one year mark. It’s nuts.
The feeling those first few weeks was of subsequently larger dominos falling. Sports were cancelled, people were sent home and restaurants were closed. Mask orders went out. We’ve all replayed those early days with each other a thousand times in the past year. We’ll be retelling the story of March 2020 for a long time to come.
Those same dominos are starting to fall again, only this time it’s in the opposite direction. People are getting vaccinated sooner than expected. Restaurants are opening back up. People are traveling. Anne and I were just in City Island for the day and people were out and about. Confidence seemed high.
I know that’s not everyone’s experience right now. I’m sure some Americans are struggling to get the vaccine appointments they need. And most of the world isn’t even thinking about the vaccine yet. But progress is progress, and things in New York – which suffered worse than most places a year ago – are improving faster than I’d expected. It’s exciting.
One inevitable side-effect of COVID is a distrust of good news. There’s always the possibility of a new variant or CDC guidance that will bring our hopes crashing back to Earth. Ezra Klein put this well a week ago:
“Few emotions are as unnerving right now as hope. No one wants to permit themselves optimism, only to be crushed when death tolls rise. That’s even truer in the media, where pessimism is always the safe play. But the case for hope is strengthening. And there are important policy reasons to take that case seriously.”
I’m no expert, but I believe we all play an important role in pointing this recovery in the direction we want it to go. So much of the pandemic has felt out of our control, but the way each of us recovers from this thing is not. Most conversations I’ve had recently have hinged upon hope. Hope that people go back to crowded bars, stop wearing masks and start talking to each other in the street. I see no reason why we can’t just start doing all those things that we’re hopeful for. Expert guidance is important, but experts are conservative by design. Think about all the times you’ve taken twice the recommended dose of Advil or drank a 48oz soda at the movies. So once we’re able to some of the things we used to, let’s really go for it.
Happy Wife, Happy Life
Every so often I hear some variation of the phrase happy wife, happy life. Usually it’s something covert, like an eye roll after saying “my wife wants to go apple picking,” or “my wife wants a Christmas card this year.” The implication is that one spouse has a handful of silly desires which, unmet, turn her quite unpleasant.
This is obviously stupid. I have plenty of desires, like exploring foreign grocery stores or eating every few hours, that are as silly as any other and guaranteed to turn me unpleasant when unmet. Either partner could want to go apple picking or make a Christmas card. Maybe both do! Who knows.
But the sentiment prevails, and nowhere is it stronger than in wedding planning. For the big day, the happy wife, happy life concept is on steroids. For our engagement, a handful of my congratulations came with sheepish advice to just “stay out of it.” Every vendor, from the jeweler to the photographer, has some stock joke up their sleeve about pleasing the bride. Most of the wedding content out there is tailored to what the bride wants.
In our case, Anne has done almost all of the planning. One reason why is that she is a much more effective and efficient planner than I am. Another reason is that she had more time at the end of last summer in which to get started. But another, significant reason why is because I often say I don’t care which option we choose, and it seems she does. My indifference is my excuse to stay on the sidelines.
A word of caution: “I don’t care” and weddings don’t mix. You should care about your wedding. I should – and do – care about my own. There’s nothing more deflating than planning something and having your partner constantly remind you that they really “just don’t care.” But if I genuinely don’t have a preference between cake flavors, or floral arrangements, then what should I say? Is there such thing as caring about the wedding and being indifferent about much of the planning? Can I take a backseat to wedding planning without being another dumb, happy wife, happy life husband?
Brad Feld recently posted something about this on his blog:
“At morning coffee a while ago, Amy and I had a long conversation about the phrase ‘I don’t care.’ I struggled to explain what I was trying to say and how it was often misunderstood when I said it. Through her reaction and feedback, she helped me better understand what people heard when I said ‘I don’t care.'”
He found, like I have, that “I don’t care” is unhelpful. Great, so you don’t care, the other person thinks. That doesn’t help us make this decision. And I know that’s true cause it drives me crazy when Anne does this for much smaller decisions than a wedding, like picking a restaurant to eat at, something so common it’s become a meme:
(on Death Row)
Guard: What would you like for your last meal?
Woman: I don’t know, what do you want?
Anne’s logic is that I care more about where we eat than she does. My logic is that she cares more about the floral arrangements than I do. Neither’s logic brings us anywhere closer to making a choice.
Brad’s suggestion is to say “I’m good either way.” It means that you do care, but both options work for you. That has certainly been effective for wedding planning, where I’m often good either way and Anne has a clear preference. I’m not sure that’s helpful for all decisions, particularly when everyone is taking the easy way out. But it’s a big improvement over “I don’t care.” And even if, in your mind, the two mean the same, one has a far different impact than the other.
Language is like this. There are no perfect synonyms. A simple rewrite can go a long way towards more effective communication.
And so happy wife, happy life becomes happy spouse, peaceful house. The former is like saying “I don’t care about all these trivial things.” The latter is like saying “I’m good either way, and want my spouse to be happy.” But don’t listen to me, listen to the Redditor who created it:
Why I Love This Newsletter
It bears repeating: Writing for this site is the most fulfilling work I’ve ever done. This past week was another great example why.
I wrote a post called Why I’m Paying For Running Probably, and then sent the post to RP‘s author, Paul Flannery. My support meant a lot to him, and he tweeted my piece out to his followers. His work is awesome and I’m glad my endorsement is useful to him in some small way.
Check it out whether or not you’re a runner!
– Emmett
Recent Posts:
Why I’m Paying for Running Probably – A plug for an exciting new project and some thoughts on us as consumers (Blog, 5 min)
Friday Ramble, March 19th – Idea generation, GI distress and new running shoes (Blog, 5 min)
What I’m Reading:
Biden Wants No Part of the Culture War the G.O.P. Loves – Thomas Edsall, NYTimes
“The second prong of Biden’s strategy is to lower the volume on culture war issues by refusing to engage — on the theory that in politics, silence saps attention — exemplified by the president’s two-month long refusal to hold a news conference in which the press, rather than the chief executive, determines what gets talked about.”
Substack Complaints Miss the Mark – Noah Smith, Noahpinion
“Writing is not a lucrative career. As with acting or drug sales, only a few very lucky superstars make any money. People love to write, and they love to dream about being financially successful doing something they love, so the field is absolutely jam-packed with folks churning out free content and waiting for their big break.”
What I’m Listening To:
Chipotle: Steve Ells – How I Built This Podcast w/ Guy Raz
Llorando Se Fue (Spotify, Youtube) – Los Kjarkas
Famous Bolivian song and the inspiration for J-Lo’s On the Floor that my good friend Farith pointed me to.