When I studied abroad in Buenos Aires, I did so as an American. My only friends were other Americans in my program. I spoke English with everyone but my host parents. I visited just one or two museums, either with family or with a class. I went to the same handful of bars and nightclubs each weekend and took the same weekend trips everyone else did. I half-assed it for the sake of fitting in.
Nine years later, I look back on that experience with regret. I love meeting new people and discovering new things, and I missed my chance to do so for six months straight. My memory of that semester is tainted by all the things I wish I’d done: befriended Argentinians, traveled by myself, taken hard classes. You don’t get many opportunities to live abroad in life, and I blew mine.
Regrets like this – the things I didn’t do – are common:
- Why didn’t I play soccer freshman year?
- Why didn’t I stay in touch with so-and-so?
- Why didn’t I challenge myself in school?
Left unchecked, they are painful reinforcement for the labels we give ourselves. As Arthur Brooks puts it, “regret is more than an occasional presence in [your] life; it’s like a ghost, not entirely clear but always bringing [you] down.”
But regret is also a powerful tool. It shows us what we value, and helps us make better choices in the future. That six month stint abroad, feeling too cool and too self-conscious to do all the stuff I really wanted to do, taught me something very important: always lean in. My time in Argentina has its tentacles in so much of what I do today – workplace mentoring, English teaching, this newsletter – and I wouldn’t be doing half of what I love if not for that painful lesson.
Expanded outwards, that same list of regrets then becomes a useful guide to future decisions:
Why didn’t I play soccer freshman year?- Stay active and be a part of something
Why didn’t I stay in touch with so-and-so?- Always reach out
Why didn’t I challenge myself in school?- Seek out difficult situations
Only by reflecting on the choices I’ve made – in this case making a list – can I properly account for where I went wrong and how I can do things differently going forward. Whether or not I choose those paths is up to me, but like almost everything I write about, it comes down to a choice: accept and learn, or let my ghosts haunt me. The lessons are there for the taking.
And we don’t have to go it alone. Our digital age makes it easy to learn from each other, and make better choices without the early mistakes. One great example of this is a list of top regrets of the dying, pulled together by a hospice nurse:
- I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard
- I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
- I wish that I had let myself be happier
Another resource is Dan Pink’s World Regret Survey, a catalogue of real regrets like this one, from a 42-year-old dad in Wyoming: “I regret putting so much emphasis on my career when my kids were young.” We can also turn to Pink’s work to understand the broad categories of regret and keep them in mind when making decisions in the future:
- Foundation – Optimizing for immediate pleasure
- Boldness – Avoiding risk
- Moral – Doing the wrong thing
- Connection – Losing relationships
What does this look like in practice? In my case, it means sharing my website and newsletter with a broader audience on social media. It means recognizing that the risk of putting myself out there pales in comparison to a lifetime of wishing I’d done so. It means learning from my past regrets and the regrets of others.
The good news is that so many of the decisions we make don’t rise to this level of importance. We won’t care about the clothes we wore, the food we ate or the car we drove. We can make those choices quickly and move on.
And for the big stuff, we have a test-and-learn framework. We can set rules for ourselves: text that friend, take that trip, apologize to family, be yourself. It’s not easy, but it’s something.
– Emmett
What I’m Reading:
The Horror, The Horror, of the Peloton-Not-Even-Plateau – Anne Helen Peterson, Culture Study
“This is ostensibly a post about Peloton, but it’s actually about irrational growth expectations. So even if you don’t give two shits about the bike that goes nowhere, it might be of interest.“
On Why I’m Quitting Alcohol – Anna Gát
“Because this will be a great way for me to filter friends and lovers better—does it still work sober, are we having fun with the lights on… can you live with remembering me to the fullest?”
How to Stop Time – Matt Haig
Quick, fun read about a four hundred-year-old man’s quest to find his daughter.
What I’m Listening To:
Johann Hari: Why You Can’t Pay Attention (And How to Reclaim Your Focus) – Rich Roll Podcast
Peloton – The Acquired Podcast