I am back in Brooklyn with Anne after a long overdue week with my family in Baltimore. I saw my grandfather twice, which was awesome even though we were speaking through stupid masks, and I got to spend three straight hours talking to my Mom on the ride back north, which at this point in our lives is a very rare occurrence.
Anne and I realized something watching TV yesterday: Our brains are starting to expect to see masks and social distancing in the shows we watch. It makes sense that after nearly four months of tip-toeing around cash registers and stepping off sidewalks our wiring would start to change, but it was a very surreal experience all the same. I’m curious if anyone has felt something similar.
This week my thoughts have been particularly disjointed and unorganized, and I had trouble fitting them into a neat email. I watched this Tucker Carlson segment on Fox News and wasn’t even sure what to think… I was mad, sad and embarrassed all at the same time. My friend Jake sent me another awesome piece on reparations from the New York Times Magazine and my thoughts came back to racial inequity. Many times I felt like I was bouncing between positivity and negativity with no control of the ship.
Then I read Elijah McClain’s last words on Instagram and, without the context, thought they were satirical:
“I can’t breathe. I have my ID right here. My name is Elijah McClain. That’s my house. I was just going home. I’m an introvert. I’m just different. That’s all. I’m so sorry. I have no gun. I don’t do that stuff. I don’t do any fighting. Why are you attacking me? I don’t even kill flies! I don’t eat meat! But I don’t judge people, I don’t judge people who don’t eat meat. Forgive me. All I was trying to do was become better. I will do it. I will do anything. Sacrifice my identity, I’ll do it. You all are phenomenal. You are beautiful and I love you. Try to forgive me.”
But they were real! How does somebody hear those words and not loosen their grip on a man’s neck or take their weight off his chest? It’s an article in The Onion, it’s a Jon Stewart segment, it can’t be real.
And in the midst of all this, coronavirus had its resurgence. A resurgence of cases but also of anger online. As part of my effort to get off of social media, I only go on Instagram once or twice a week, and I’m always amazed at how much people have pivoted in the time that I’ve been away. Everything is consumed with coronavirus, then racial justice, then coronavirus etc… That’s not a criticism – although it warrants some reflection – but more an acknowledgement of how the platforms work. It’s a collective, it’s a hive, and it clearly cannot focus on a multitude of things at once.
The latest piece to pop up this weekend was a meme recommending the latest COVID treatment, Wearamaskasshole. I don’t really know how I feel about it, but I don’t feel positive about it. I don’t think shaming works, and I wonder what the impact of all this shaming is on the shamers themselves. I know each of my Instagram followers, and nothing I post about wearing masks would convince the 5% who aren’t wearing one to change their behavior. So posting angry stuff feels like it only hurts the poster. But then maybe we need voices who are constantly yelling at us to be better. That is what I meant when I said my thoughts have been confused all week.
I am still really struggling with whether or not it is right to ignore the news and social media. It feels like the right thing to do on a personal level, for myself, and the wrong thing to do as a citizen of this country. I just get nothing positive from it. Listening to a two hour podcast interview forces me to reflect in ways that are 1) more thoughtful, and 2) better for than mental health than if I read a headline or see a meme and let my gut reaction drive my thinking.
I am going to be focused on this a lot over the coming months because it is all so convoluted and messy. Like I said last week, am I just ignoring these platforms because I’m able to? And is there something inherently disturbing about me listening to retirement planning podcasts in the midst of much more important problems? I’m really not sure.
Beyond the links I’ve referenced already, I’ve included a few of my favorite pieces below from the blog Wait But Why? It is so good. Just trust me and read it. There is so much value in Tim Urban’s writing that, like so much else I come across on the internet, I am sad I didn’t find it sooner.
It was another slow writing week from me. I’m definitely wrestling a bit with sticking to a routine, but one of the great things about doing this for no money and very limited views is that I can take it at my own pace. So be patient with me!
One final word: Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who replied in some form or another to what I wrote last week. Every time I hit send on anything I’ve written I wince, because I’m afraid something I’ve said is going to be torn apart. It’s a very self-conscious habit that I have yet to find a way to shake. So the feedback is so much appreciated, and having real conversations is so important for me to actually understand how I think about something.
Email me at [email protected].
– Emmett
Recent Posts:
Research Bible: Tell Me Who You Are – Winona Guo & Priya Vulchi – Moving collection of first person experiences in a racialized America
What’s Your Why? – Searching for the “why” up front could alleviate heartbreak down the line
What I’m Reading:
The Jobs We Need – The New York Times
It Is Time For Reparations – New York Times Magazine
Life is a Picture, But You Live in a Pixel – Tim Urban, Wait But Why?
How to Pick Your Life Partner, Part 1 – Tim Urban, Wait But Why?
What I’m Listening To:
Jon Stewart – Joe Rogan Experience
What I’m Watching:
Unorthodox – Netflix