I like to think of myself as a calm and rational person. I’m not offended by jokes about my nose – it’s large – and I don’t really get upset when the Ravens lose (ok, maybe that’s just cause I don’t like sports). My parents and sister are probably the only ones who would disagree, because the steam’s gotta get blown off somewhere, and more often than not they’re the ones bearing witness.
All that’s just to say that I seek out rationality in much of what I read and learn from, like this from Tim Urban:
“From afar, a great marriage is a sweeping love story, like a marriage in a book or a movie. And that’s a nice, poetic way to look at a marriage as a whole.
But human happiness doesn’t function in sweeping strokes, because we don’t live in broad summations—we’re stuck in the tiny unglamorous folds of the fabric of life, and that’s where our happiness is determined.
So if we want to find a happy marriage, we need to think small—we need to look at marriage up close and see that it’s built not out of anything poetic, but out of 20,000 mundane Wednesdays.”
For a 27 year-old with a wisdom complex, that kind of statement is what I live for. The romance isn’t important – the slog of real life is all that matters. It’s a fundamentally rational argument about following your brain, understanding the science. Avoid the heart at all costs.
Well, Anne and I got engaged this weekend (!) and – surprise, surprise – the proposal was not a handshake agreement one day in our apartment, after determining that: 1) we both wanted to marry each other, 2) we shared similar views on a lot of the fundamentals (see: 100 Questions to Ask Before Marriage), and 3) we could spend 20,000 mundane Wednesdays together. In other words, it wasn’t a logical calculus.
I got down on one knee. Anne was surprised. I was nervous. We were both so happy. None of which really makes any sense given that we both knew it was coming at some point this summer, and that, on a base level, nothing about a ring changes anything between Anne and I. She has fit Urban’s three life partner criteria since I met her eight years ago:
- An epic friendship
- A feeling of home
- A determination to be good at the relationship
Well, it turns out that the romantic, symbolic, down-on-one-knee proposal, with family waiting (unbeknownst to them) in the rafters, is pretty amazing. Even more so if you are sure, as I am, that the person looking back at you is who you want to spend all of those mundane life moments with. Because the one thing that logic – in its rush to be cold and calculating – ignores, is that all of the things that make somebody a great life partner make them all the more deserving of every ounce of romance you have in you.
Anne is who I was always meant to spend my life with. And, having decided that with certainty long ago, I felt that my proposal had to be a grand, romantic gesture – a complete surprise – in order for it to mean something. Then, once Anne reminded me that marriage “is a two person decision” and we had talked through it as equals, I thought that surprise and romance were off the table. But life’s not always so simple! You can approach marriage with the maturity it deserves and still maintain the symbolism of the gesture. The whole thing can still feel like a dream even though I fully expected to be sitting here, Sunday afternoon, engaged to Anne.
That’s really it for me this week. I read a few good books recently and am still pulling together my notes for the Research Bible. I wrote something about Tucker Carlson that is linked below as well.
Can’t believe summer is nearing its halfway point!
– Emmett
Recent Posts:
How Did He Get Here? – A series of small lapses becomes one colossal lapse
What I’m Reading:
I Don’t Think I’m Being Cancelled, I’m Just Being Held Responsible – Big Cat
What I’m Listening To:
Hugh Jackman – The Tim Ferriss Show
Stadium Arcadium – Red Hot Chili Peppers (still haven’t stopped listening since I linked back in May)