Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown, was the best book I have read in at least a year (probably longer, but I’ll wait until my second read through to make that claim). What I’ve decided to do is to maintain my notes from the book in their original format, and to annotate around them.
Wow what an Intro. First three pages grabbed me
The book starts with Theodore Roosevelt’s speech, The Man in the Arena. It then goes on to say this:
“Our willingness to own and engage with vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.
When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make.”
What a powerful two paragraphs. I read that and knew I wouldn’t be putting the book down for a few hours.
Vulnerability myth #1: Vulnerability is a weakness. This is directly connected to my fears of reaching out to friends to start a men’s therapy group
Vulnerability seems to be entirely mental. It’s me being afraid to try a new idea because I don’t want to expose how I’m feeling about something and then not find that feeling reciprocated in others. Vulnerability is not driven by reality but by myths we create in our own heads.
I had been toying with the idea of start men’s conversation groups for a few months now, but have hesitated to reach out to friends to get their take on that idea and see if they’re interested. That seems to be clearly driven by fears of being vulnerable (to rejection, to ridicule etc…).
Calling a friend going through tragedy… why is that so hard?
I have always had trouble reaching out to people going through challenging times, but it wasn’t until this book that I recognized that as a fear of being vulnerable. You’re opening yourself up to hearing how someone else is feeling during a very rough point in their lives.
Vulnerability is a weakness in us but strength in others – why?
Need to think about this more, but it’s a great point. We cherish stories about others being vulnerable, but we refuse to let ourselves be the same way.
I think the best leaders I have had always displayed genuine vulnerability
At work, anytime a senior leader allows themselves to be vulnerable in front of their team (when appropriate) it makes me much more willing to work for them. It seems very honest and human. Good thing to take note of for later on in my career.
I want to get better at storytelling
I forget the context of this note. I believe Brown had told a story about her family very effectively and it made me think about my own struggles at times writing good short stories.
I feel vulnerable about sharing my writing
Could not be more accurate. The idea of sharing writing that could: a) be bad writing and b) contain statements or opinions people disagree with makes me feel very vulnerable and has kept me from really sharing it (even with Anne).
What are the gremlins saying?
Connected to the note above. Shame gremlins, as Brown puts it, are constantly reminding you of your vulnerabilities and shaming you for them. They’re entirely mental. Mine would be saying “your writing is terrible” and “don’t let people see into the stupid things you think and write about” but they will say whatever they can to make you doubt yourself.
Empathy is an acknowledgement that you’re not alone
I love this idea and it’s particularly relevant for things we’re ashamed about and feel vulnerable about. Empathizing with someone just lets them know that there is someone out there who feels the same. It would be another writer telling me they feel the same way, or a man telling his friend that he’s also self conscious about his height, or his salary.
Men and their shame box: don’t show weakness… why am I so afraid to admit if I’m sick? Or tired?
I read the chapter on male shame and in many ways saw myself staring back at me, particularly around my refusal to admit when I’m sick or tired. I don’t want to feel vulnerable or weak, and it’s so stupid. For whose benefit do I do that?
Shame is organized by gender
You need to read the book to really digest this one, but men and women are shamed in our society for very different things.
Men need to: stop feeling, start earning, put everyone in their place and climb their way to the top or die trying
Nothing else to be said. Main things that Brown has found men feel drive them to feel shame.
Joy makes us feel vulnerable (100% agree with that one). Bus back from Philadelphia after Aunt Irene’s birthday lunch prime example
Last year I spent a day in Philadelphia for my great-aunt’s 90th birthday, and on the way home I felt so full and joyful that I started to feel scared of my own vulnerability. Which means that a fear of vulnerability can keep us from being joyful if we let it.
Gratitude is the antidote to foreboding joy… same logic as stoicism
Love how often stoic thinking is coming up in the things I’m reading. Letting yourself be grateful for what you have, and the moments you’re experiencing, will help you overcome the notion that you don’t deserve the joy you’re feeling, or that it will be taken from you all at once.
Joy is in the small, ordinary moments, not the extraordinary ones
I have found that more and more as I get older. True joy isn’t found in some amazing trip, and if it is it’s typically in the simpler moments, the morning coffees with Anne instead of the epic Instagramable moment.
Healthy striving is self focused: how can I improve? Perfectionism is other focused: what will they think? YES – could not agree more. Need to remember this when I feel like I’m letting myself down for any reason driven by impression of others
This is so important. There is nothing wrong with striving to get better, but there is a lot wrong with striving to be perfect. Perfect is so that others perceive you as such, whereas striving to be better is something that only you can judge. I definitely can toe the line on this one at times although I think I’m typically not too focused on perfection.
Gretchen Rubin Happiness Project and Happier at Home two books to check out
The need to numb our pain comes from shame, anxiety and disconnection. I have so many examples of this among my guy friends (and myself in the past)
Nothing to be said other than this is the source of so much drinking and substance abuse among Americans.
Two groups of people with anxiety: those who want to reduce the feelings of anxiety and those who want to address the source of what’s causing anxiety
Love this dichotomy. The first one leads you to drink, but the second one leads you to therapy.
Viking/victim. This manifests itself in my life as Alpha/Beta male distinction that so many guys use as a common insult about other guys. So damaging to men
I have always found it funny to make Alpha/Beta jokes about other men, but the book really repositioned how I think about the whole concept. All it does is reinforce that there’s a type of man we should feel ashamed to be, and that’s just stupid.
A strong feedback culture is all about normalizing discomfort
When giving feedback, use a person’s strength to suggest how they fix a weakness
What messages are you sending your kids about what makes them more or less lovable?
Great question for parents. If you criticize your kid’s appearance, are you inadvertently sending them the message that their appearance is a prerequisite of being loved? Or that a specific appearance will bring them love and another won’t?
Toni Morrison advice – let your face speak what’s in your heart
Great anecdote from Brown around allowing yourself to look happy and joyful when looking at your children. If you’re always critiquing them and being stern around them, you aren’t letting them know how you feel about them.
General parenting advice: you need to show your own vulnerability for your kids. An open and honest relationship where you mirror the type of behavior you want to see in your kids is key; shaming parents for their techniques is dangerous