10 Unfounded Predictions for a Post-COVID World

Articles from May 27th, 2020

1. Will the Coronavirus Forever Alter the College Experience? – NYT

2. Scattered to the Winds, College Students Mourn Lost Semester – NYT

3. Small Towns Won’t Know They’re Infected Until It’s Too Late – Atlantic

4. Beach Towns Are Next to Take the Hit – Atlantic

I came across these gems today and figured we were all due for more lighthearted coronavirus predictions, so here are mine.

Note: I made my predictions before looking for supporting evidence on the internet. Funny how easy that is…

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1. Beards are back

Ignore these words of caution from NPR – beards may harbor more bacteria than a dog’s neck, but they are a trend that is here to stay. The virus is boosting one company’s beard oil sales as men hang on to their facial hair unseasonably long into summer, and celebrities like Lebron and Aaron Rodgers continue to sport huge beards. Men are discarding their business casual wardrobes, and tossing their razors along with them.

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2. Social media will conquer its last remaining holdouts

What can I say about this one? More time at home equals more time to scroll, so its not surprising that social media use is at an all-time high. Zuckerberg is out there somewhere, slurping nutrient water and trimming his bangs.

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3. In an attempt to keep up with corona demand, companies will be left sitting on huge piles of unwanted inventory

Think of what is currently in short supply: bikes, puzzles, hydroxychloroquine, Nintendos. Many companies, sensing a resurgent demand in their products, will rush to manufacture as many units as possible, only to be stuck with stockpiles of inventory when the virus clears, and people decide that puzzles are still boring and a 35 year old doesn’t need a Nintendo.

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4. Live sports will lose some of its popularity

I promise I’m not smiling when I say this: sports are going virtual for good. The Bundesliga is playing to empty stadiums. The NBA is considering a move to Disney. All of this points to what I’ve been saying for years – attending live sporting events is a waste of time. We’re all adapting fine the the elimination of our daily commutes, so why should paying $150 to stand in the bleachers, drinking overpriced beers, be any different? The next logical step will be to eliminate new sporting events altogether – we can live on reruns for decades.

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5. Books still won’t be cool...

It’s time to face the music – there are too many suitors for our attention these days for me to have any hope that books will one day win out. According the the NYT, books sales are down since the outbreak, and the outlook appears grim. “With millions of Americans out of work, books may become an out-of-reach luxury, as discretionary spending falls.” There is no discretionary income available for a $10 book, but there is for a $300 Nintendo Switch. Right…

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6. But binge watching TV will be

42% of Americans are watching more streaming services now than before the quarantine began. Yikes! Let me bemoan the flight to television, while ignoring my own violent binges of Outer Banks and Riverdale, in peace, thank you very much.

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7. Entire companies will be on vacation in December

Nobody wants to burn a week of vacation going to Grandma’s house down the street, so there will be a mad rush to take any remaining vacation near the end of the year. I’d say offices will be empty but… it’s looking less and less likely any of them will be open to begin with.

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8. Twitter will continue to be a cesspool of garbage

Shaming is at an all-time high. Twitter is putting disclaimers on our President’s tweets. But don’t worry guys, cause I only use Twitter for the news! I never get caught up in troll fights and political rants. The only thing this virus has confirmed is that we lost our collective internet minds years ago.

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9. Dining out will be cost-prohibitive and uncomfortable

We will tip 30%, restaurants will cut their capacity in half, and every cough will require a new bowl of soup. Dining out will not be fun. Not to mention that many of our favorite spots will have closed, and the ones that remain will stay just as exclusive as ever.

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10. We will soon forget how dire everything seemed in this moment

Life will go on. What a cheap prediction, but still I think it’s important. Imagine if there had been Twitter in the 1930’s, or during the Vietnam War. The world would have looked like a big heaping pile of darkness. But it wasn’t – otherwise we wouldn’t be here, far better off than we were in those years. So tune out the gloomy predictions and focus on recovering as best as you can from this uncertain period.

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